Jessica Simpson Tried to Kill Me Today

Boy do I love shoes. I really do. Especially the platform sandals with lots of sexy straps. I kind of like how tall they make me feel. I don't think they're that difficult to walk in - they do have a platform after all.

So tonight, I'm in Nordstroms. Completely sober, mind you, and I spot a sale rack. Instantly I'm drawn to these platform sandals. I put one on. My size. My color. A good price. Now I'm happy. But then something happens.. my foot starts to wobble a bit; then I can't stop it. I twist my foot and my ankle touches the floor, while I'm still standing. Ouch! I almost fell and knocked down the size 8 sale rack at Nordstrom

I take the shoe off, a bit sad, looking at it with contempt until now completely reserved for rival Red Sox and Yankees fans. I look at the brand and see "Jessica Simpson" written in nice cursive letters. I make a mental note to stay away from all things Jessica Simpson from that point on. I don't take the attempt on my life lightly!

So, I work through the pain in my ankle, and continue to shop. Now, I'm not kidding you one bit when I say that on EVERY damn pair of shoes I looked at after that, what did I see? "Jessica Simpson". All cursive and cutesy. Beckoning me to stick my clumsy foot in it and try it in. Go ahead, try them on; You know you want to. I swear the shoes call to me.

They're sexy, edgy, fun, flirty, AND dangerous; probably not unlike the *real* Jessica Simpson; but that's a story for another day. In any event, I find myself completely loving them for some reason, despite their sheer lack of any sort of practicality whatsoever. I didn't buy them but still, someone needs to stop this girl before she actually manages hurts someone! Next time the Nordstrom's shoe rack might not survive my attempts to try on sexy shoes. Maybe ultra high heels should come with a warning label. Now that is most definitely a blog for another day!


Have you ever been so excited for crap?

I have. Repeatedly!

So there's this website -- they sell all sorts of random stuff - radar detectors, headphones, kitchen computers, camera memory, screaming monkeys, etc. They do one item per day until it's gone. Sometimes they have what's called a "woot-off" where they sell one item after the other for a random amount of time (a few days usually). Anyway, at some point during the woot off - in between the dry but strikingly unpretentious chardonnay and the plastic green frog that can detect leaks (aptly named "leak frog") there's an item that comes up for sale called a "Bag of Crap".

Just try and get one of these guys! They usually last, oh about 10 seconds or so and they cost $1 plus $5 to ship. You can buy 3. So, for a measly $8 you can look forward to waiting up to three weeks for a bag of.. well, crap.

Don't get me wrong, I'm the first one running five different "wootbots" while continually refreshing the page every millisecond, hoping, praying for the coveted Bag of Crap (BOC). I know I'm not alone (the "server too busy" message tells me so). So why do we do it?

Well, a teensy tiny percentage of crap buyers actually get something good. One time a lucky wooter got a Wii. Several more people have gotten things like Roomba's (now who doesn't want a robotic vacuum cleaner?? for $8!!), Robosapiens (scare the kitties!), and a host of other cool things.

Of course for every "good" item there are about 600 crappy items. I've seen people get used coffee makers, answering machines with messages from mexican inmates, broken glassware, jesus bandanas, mexican action figures that don't actually move... (I guess they're really just plain old mexican figures). It's almost worth the $8 just to get some crap to talk about.

Yesterday I won my third bag of crap. My past 2 craps were nothing to write home about (a phone for deaf people, an ugly furry owl keychain that my cats won't even play with, 2 camera bags (actually every bag of crap comes with a "bag" and up to 3 "craps"), an insulated pub glass and the aforementioned mexican (non action) figures.

Hopefully in 21 days time I'll be posting about my new Robosapien robot that can sense my presence and conduct my evil bidding, but if not, well it'll be interesting anyway. W00T!