Jessica Simpson Tried to Kill Me Today


Boy do I love shoes. I really do. Especially the platform sandals with lots of sexy straps. I kind of like how tall they make me feel. I don't think they're that difficult to walk in - they do have a platform after all.

So tonight, I'm in Nordstroms. Completely sober, mind you, and I spot a sale rack. Instantly I'm drawn to these platform sandals. I put one on. My size. My color. A good price. Now I'm happy. But then something happens.. my foot starts to wobble a bit; then I can't stop it. I twist my foot and my ankle touches the floor, while I'm still standing. Ouch! I almost fell and knocked down the size 8 sale rack at Nordstrom

I take the shoe off, a bit sad, looking at it with contempt until now completely reserved for rival Red Sox and Yankees fans. I look at the brand and see "Jessica Simpson" written in nice cursive letters. I make a mental note to stay away from all things Jessica Simpson from that point on. I don't take the attempt on my life lightly!

So, I work through the pain in my ankle, and continue to shop. Now, I'm not kidding you one bit when I say that on EVERY damn pair of shoes I looked at after that, what did I see? "Jessica Simpson". All cursive and cutesy. Beckoning me to stick my clumsy foot in it and try it in. Go ahead, try them on; You know you want to. I swear the shoes call to me.

They're sexy, edgy, fun, flirty, AND dangerous; probably not unlike the *real* Jessica Simpson; but that's a story for another day. In any event, I find myself completely loving them for some reason, despite their sheer lack of any sort of practicality whatsoever. I didn't buy them but still, someone needs to stop this girl before she actually manages hurts someone! Next time the Nordstrom's shoe rack might not survive my attempts to try on sexy shoes. Maybe ultra high heels should come with a warning label. Now that is most definitely a blog for another day!

2 comments:

india*ink said...

Very funny ... I hope your ankle recovered!!!

from tPF...

Matthew said...

It appears that Jessica also killed the Cowboys chances of making it to the NFC Championship this year.

I sense a trend...